What Happened

What Happened in my family would take a lot of words to describe, and someday I will. I have to. I don’t know any other way to make it stop haunting me. Right now it’s just always there, in my peripheral vision. It’s not scary, but when I try to look at it straight-on, I …

Stronger by the day

In my quest to strengthen my arthritic hips and reintroduce myself to strength training on my own terms, I made a list of exercises that are gentle enough to do every day but hard enough to make me sweat a bit and dread them a little (that's how you know they're effective!). My physical therapist …

Things Fall Apart

Sunday I had an MRI on my hips. The technician couldn’t say anything, of course, but I had a feeling she knew something about what she was seeing from her comment as I left: “Did you have some kind of…injury?” Yesterday I read the radiologist’s report. On the right side, the cartilage is almost completely …

“How do you solve a problem like a human?”

"How do you tell your patient to lose weight? How do you make her stay and listen to all you say? How do you make her see it's what she ATE."   I saw a second orthopedist today in search of a way to deal with the pain that has become my companion. Ladies and …

Do not fear: a message to my sons

Dear Boys, I have so much to tell you, and I never know how much you’re ready for. If I thought you might be in danger of actually assaulting someone, I’d make you read this now. Instead, I’m writing it because I need to, and in case I die an extremely unlikely, untimely death. What …

Twelve Inches of Medical Statements

Right now in my recycling box, there are several pounds of statements and receipts from 2012 through 2015. I don't know if that covers everything, but looking through them, I see a paper trail of trauma. The marriage counseling through the winter of 2012, followed by receipts for individual counseling for my ex after we …

Before You Go

You said, I don’t fit in to your school regimen, your narrow religion. I don't care for your gender rules, your proper taste and good sense, your money prerogative, and oh by the way I see your racism, your sexism, your brutality. You said, let’s taste joy. Let’s make a new thing. Let’s say out …

A Fractured Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there lived two fairy princesses that were created by a commune of ancient fairies. It was a terrible commune. No one was in charge, and decades would go by without anyone planting crops because everyone was too busy singing and dancing. Nevertheless, they were filled with love and good intentions, and …

Target, Kaiser, and Man’s Search for Meaning

Twelve years ago, I stood in front of the cleaning supply section at a Safeway in Guerneville, California, frozen. “You’re looking for the magic wand. It’s not here,” my brother-in-law Scott said gently. We were preparing to go into my mom’s house. Was it twelve years ago? Were we moving her stuff to a new …

March didn’t march

It flew! This month, I gained no pounds, I lost no pounds, but even though the scale stood still, everything else seemed to be moving. A social event that filled my emotional brain with anticipation and some anxiety for several weeks leading up to it was, just as my logical brain predicted, wonderful in ways …